The B.E.S.T. answer to embarrassing moments with your special needs child.

If you have a special needs child, I know their behavior has been the source of embarrassment for you some time or another.

Three emotions form a triangle of responses to situations like these awkward moments: embarrassment, shame and guilt.

Maybe you have experinced episodes like this one.

My impulsive child, Joel, can’t sit still in church. Nor can he keep his voice to a whisper when he wants to talk, which was most of the time.  He drops hymnals making a loud noise.

Eyes to look our way, not only because of his raucous behavior, but by me trying to manage his restlessness as quietly as possible.  Nothing brings it under control. I have had it and decide to leave the church pew with him and exit the sanctuary.  Even that draws unwanted attention. It’s embarrassing.  And it happens frequently.

In fact, when he was two until almost four, the only places we could go were the grandparents.  Even then, it was best to keep him out of the house and outside.  The yard offered many fewer things to tear up, bang into or break.

I felt shame that it didn’t know how to help him regulate his impulses.  Growing up in the family valueing manners and self-control, I possessed no skills to parent a child wired to speak and act on every thought.  He thought of things to say and do that never would have imagined saying or doing. I couldn’t get ahead of him.   

Thinking I must be doing something wrong, but not knowing what it was, brought feelings of guilt. 

Like it or not, others evaluate our parenting skills and our child’s child’s quality as a person by his/her behavior during episodes of socially inappropriate behavior occurs.

This social judgement by others happen in a few moments of time.  A meltdown in a grocery store looks like a tantrum. Kicking a pregnant nurse while she to administer his vaccination looks like aggression. 

The judges of me and my child in that single moment fail to know about all the other times in which my child acts like every other child his age. Those people don’t understand some kids like mine are wired differently.

Five things to consider before those embarrassing moments occur:

• First, attend to your child. As much as possible, mitigate the cause of the unexpected behavior. Reassure their fear or remove them from an overstimulating environment. Protect them from self-harm or harming others.
• Don’t make excuses for your child. This behavior is communicating his/her inability to cope in the situation.
• Only apologize if he/she has harmed another or property. Give your child the words or ways to apologize (whether they want to or not) for damage done.
• When possible, identify causes of this unexpected behavior, avoid triggers, train your child in coping skills.
• Remember this is a single moment.

Let’s “zoom out” on this single moment. The embarrassment will pass. Other moments of growth and joy will come. God gives a many more moments which accumulate into years, giving you time to “train up your child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6). This is a child learning to navigate a world difficult for them to understand. They need grace. And time.

In these tense moments, it is you, the parent, that need grace from onlookers. Ironically, it’s you, the parent, that are the ones giving grace to onlookers for their annoyance or judgment.

I understand. People have no idea the issues with which you are dealing. It’s hard, but you be the Grace-Giver. Be encouraged to exemplify graciousness to others witnessing another human struggling to persevere.

Embarrassment and me go way back. Long before my kids embarrassed me, I embarrassed my self.

Quadraplegia hijacked my life at 12 years of age. One day I was “normal” and the next day I was “disabled”.

My disability embarrassed me.

I had to wear an “oh so fashionable” Frankenstein leg brace (see a picture here). I walked funny and had to have help.

My manipulation of eating utensils, a pen or typing on a keyboard were attention-getting because they were “unconventional”.

People naturally stare at anything different, so as a child and teen-ager I got a lot of them-stares that is.

Still do.

Fast forward a couple of decades, it was my kids’ behavior that embarrassed me.

A doctor diagnosed my youngest son, James, with Autism Spectrum Disorder at 2 years of age.

As with many kids on the spectrum, transitioning from one situation to another caused him much anxiety. Getting on the school bus each morning proved to be a transition that caused him great anxiety. And me!

All he had to do was stand on the driveway, walk about 10 steps to the bus and mount three steps onto the bus. His feet would not take a step.

On top of his refusal to step toward the bus was my mobility impairement struggle. I walked with a forearm crutch and exhibited poor balance. I was not able to take him by the hand and lead him to the bus. Neither was I physically able to pick him up and put him on the bus.

Plus, the bus driver couldn’t wait for very long. He was on a schedule. The clock was ticking. My distress intensified.

Every morning it was a battle. The bus attendant pleaded and conjoled. His feet took no steps forward.

I listed all the fun things he would do in his class this day. No steps. I offer rewards. No steps.

Finally, he would take a step or two towards the bus. Those 10 steps progressed slowly until he finally got to the bus and up the stairs.

After he finally got on the bus, I was exhausted, and embarrassed.

And then we would go through the same thing the next day.

It’s so embarrassing struggling with my physical limitations and his transitioning anxieties in front of someone regularly.

Let’s go to the place that has the answers.

What does the Bible have to say about children with special needs? Depending on definition of “disability” sources site 35-75 verses on disability. What is specifically addressed are 4 themes including God’s sovereignty, healing, dignity of disabled persons, and relationship.

Let’s look at the few verses addressing disabilities in general and see what God teaches:

Reference	Person and Disability	Lesson
Exodus 4:10-12	Moses-Slowness of tongue	To show that God is sufficient for us, no matter our limitations.
II Samuel 4;4, 9:7	Mephibosheth-lameness	To show God’s lovingkindness through David to “anyone” (Mephibosheth).
Mark 10:46-51	Bartemaus-blindness	To show Jesus’ mercy that quickens faith and perseverance.
John 5:1-5	Man at Bethesda-paralyzed	To show the “works of God“-being the Light of the world.
II Corinthians 12:7-10	Paul-“thorn in the flesh”	To show God’s provision of strength in weakness.
Mark 2:1-12	A man paralyzed	To show that sins forgiven is more important than a body healed.

We can see the disability is the conduit through which the works of God flow. God invites us to provide strength we don’t have. His mercy fuels faith and perseverance.

Never think that God sits back on his throne, high and lifted up, unaffected by hardships we and our children endure. Matthew felt a strong need to record Jesus’ feelings for posterity. This was when he saw a crowd of followers, many of whom needed healing. He had compassion on them. As a fellow human being Jesus “understands our weakness” (Hebrews 4:15).

Spiritual holiness is God’s prime concern for the human beings He created. God is not surprised by our child’s behavior. What other humans think about of our child’s behavior or our parenting skills is irrelevant.

Now we can be confident in the power, provision, and perseverance we have at our disposal in training our child.
Let’s put this into practice.

Embarrassing moments will continue. Maturity and experience will mitigate most of these moments eventually.

“God doesn’t care what people think when the growing human being He created in His image acts inappropriately.

We shouldn’t either.”

Care to share an embarrassing moment in the comments below? After the fact they can be humorous. Let’s share a laugh today!

Estimated reading time: 11 minutes

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